I need your help for an article and a potential book. I'm looking for a variety of perspectives--single people, single and dating, engaged, and married.
What constitutes cheating? I think we can all agree that becoming intimately involved with another person while your married is cheating. But how involved? (Please don't be graphic or inappropriate.) And what about when you're dating? Or when you're engaged? Is that cheating or is it making sure you're with the right one?
Please tell me what you think and if you have an experience to back it up, I'd love to hear it (again, no graphic descriptions, name calling or inappropriate language. Let's discuss it with class!)
Comments
When you're dating it's a different story... I don't think there's anything wrong with meeting and getting to know other people. If you're engaged and wanting to spend a lot of time with a different man, I think it would be time to really evaluate what you're doing... it might not be the right person, or the right time, if you're not ready for that commitment.
Overall, though, once you're married, in my eyes, you have CHOSEN that one... you have committed, and anything with another man that could hurt your spouse, your relationship, and damage your bond is cheating.
I read an article once in Family Circle (what a farce of a name) that suggested it was a good idea to go see a movie with another man, or go to dinner with another man if your husband wasn't interested in that particular movie or activity. They said there was nothing wrong with that, and if anything would make you more "frisky" for your spouse when you got back. I wrote them a letter, which they didn't choose to publish, of course, telling them that I thought their ideas were all sorts of wrong, and a recipe for ruining a marriage. I don't understand at all how that would be acceptable to anyone who had any desire of keeping their spouse.
I have been married 15 1/2 years. We have 3 kids... and my husband is still my everything. :)
The dating scenario is definitely a different situation. I think that if you are in a serious relationship, there are definitely lines you don't pass. But while you are dating you are looking for that one person that you want to spend forever with,so flirting is more acceptable.
I don't have any first hand experience with this, but I know some people who are very close to me, and it is horrible what it does to the couple and the family members.
I have been married for 5 years, and going strong. We also have two awesome kids!
lisa
*happily married for 13 years and hoping for a many more years of fidelity and happiness.
In the case of engagement to be married, I believe that you should NOT date others; you have made a tentative commitment to marry and should focus on that relationship. If someone else comes along to tweak the emotions, then the engagement should be cancelled in order to explore another relationship.
Total fidelity in marriage is an absolute. NO relationships ought to be developed where the spouse would not be welcome to sit in on ANY association. We all make friends of the opposite sex. The smart thing to do is to make friends with BOTH the husband and the wife so that you keep all activities, intents, purposes and relationships in the open and clear of any emotional entanglement.
It is also true that sometimes we develop a fondness, while married, to another of the opposite sex. The temptation is great to explore that relationship. There are ALWAYS little twinges of guilt that tell us we are moving down a dangerous path. Pay attention to those signals and turn toward your own companion for attention, and to use your energies to serve him or her even more fully. Find out what is missing in your relationship that seems to be answered in that "other person" and work to develop acquiring the same qualities with your spouse.
Most of the time we discover that it is not something quantifiable that we are seeking, but only a feeling that has been lost. Some sizzle, some pzazzzz is missing from our relationship that USED to be there. If it was there once it can be again. Just work at it.
The danger in "cheating" is that it destroy trust, the hardest thing in the world to get back. Which brings me back to fidelity. We are trusted by those to whom we are faithful. If we cheat, we lose.
"And finally, I cannot tell you all the things whereby ye may commit sin; for there are divers ways and means, even so many that I cannot number them. But this much I can tell you, that if ye do not watch yourselves, and your thoughts, and your words, and your deeds, and observe the commandments of God, and continue in the faith of what ye have heard concerning the coming of our Lord, even unto the end of your lives, ye must perish. And now, O man, remember, and perish not." (Mosiah 4:29-30)
I want throw this out there for consideration. Cheating can be anything that keeps you emotionally or physically separated from your spouse. It can be a hobby, a job, children or even a church calling. If there is something else in your life more important to you than your spouse it can be considered cheating. You are definitely cheating each other out of becoming "one" if you let anything come between you.
We have recently moved to a new phase in our lives; "empty nesters." My husband and I were thrown into this situation rather dramatically because we had to move from our home for a job. All of our children were old enough to choose to come with us or not. Everyone decided to stay so now my husband and I are on our own for the first time in 32 years.
Maybe it is because it happened all at once, but this has been more of an adjustment than I ever thought it would be. There have been some awkward moments. It has been sometime difficult to fill the silence or find common ground that doesn't involve our children. There have been some very wonderful and sweet moments too. And like I said it has been an adjustment as we navigate this new life phase together.
My husband and I always were careful not to spend too much time outside our family. We faithful went out on "date night" and we spent time talking with each other at the days end. Prayer and scripture study were a part of our normal routine. We did everything we could to make each other and our family a priority and yet this time is still harder than I thought it would be. It has me thinking what it must be like for couples who let themselves drift away from each other?
Consider this, if you come to the end of your lives together and find you have nothing in common, have you been cheated? I can't imagine anything worse than to invest a lifetime in a spouse only to find it was not enough.
I know this is an unusual way to look at cheating, but that is why I bring it up. There are so many ways we can cheat on our spouse, some deliberate and some unintentional, that we must always be diligent and careful to put them first in every way. This is the only way to be sure that you don't come to the end of life's road together and find that you have been cheated.
On the other side of the spectrum a roommate of mine had a friend whom she had known since childhood and for her the friendship tuned into love, he on the other hand met a girl and married her. My roommate was unaware of this his fiance for some time and only found out about her after she professed love for him and he rejected her by saying he was getting engaged. A few months after that, having not spoken for that time, he was married and decided he wanted to get back in contact with her. He seemed a little unhappy in his marriage and I suggested to her that it was inappropriate for her to write back. After a few emails back and fourth she came to the same conclusion and as far as I know hasn't had contact with him sense. I believe his going behind his wife's back was a form of emotional cheating at the least. It is too easy for something that seems innocent to become something more! It is my belief that couples should make a point of befriending each others companions or decided to make other couple friends and keep the lines of communication open so as not to even tempt each other with the idea of adultery of any kind.
What about a little independence? What about each of you being allowed to be who you are without having to get permission to talk to a friend of the opposite sex?
I think in marriage, friendships of both sexes should be developed and encouraged. Maybe a good friendship with a member of the opposite sex will help you understand your spouse better. Maybe a little flirting will make you feel better about yourself.
And as far as cheating before you're married. I don't think there's any such thing. If you haven't put a ring on it, all's fair. I think most of you need to lighten up a little. It's like you're living in fear. If you don't trust yourself or your spouse at all, why are you with them?
Marriage is based on trust. I don't think you have to cut all ties with the opposite sex. Be open with your spouse about who you are friends with and respect each other to stay faithful. Flirting can be dangerous and lead to other things, but in of itself is not cheating. Once feelings are mutually shared though, and of course any kind of physical intimacy, it's cheating.
I give a lot of credit to people that might develop thoughts or feelings about another person but resist the temptation to act on it.
I found myself noticing and remembering a class I had taken in school that dealt with the changes in society and the family in particular. It started with families being more patriarch led in history. Then as time evolved so did the family, being equally led by the father and mother. It focused on the different role the woman now played in the house. We as women became more self sufficient. We are now equals in jobs, pay, duties and responsibilities. With this change, the family changed. More women on a whole no longer tolerated marital offences, such as cheating, and felt that they could stand up, leave, and support themselves or their family independently of their spouse. They no longer stayed because of fear of financial dependence. Secondly, they became more aware of their legal rights; laws were changed to recognize the role of wife and/or mother and financially rewarded them as equals to men, whether they worked outside of the house or not. Cheating was now not a tolerated family secret. Also note that men were the main cheaters back then. Why was that?
More married women still stayed at home, some did work, but the women in the work field were on average speaking, single. Married men being out in the work field had the opportunity to mingle with the public. They were more accessible for infidelity.
With the influx of women in the work field, the percentages of married women cheating also went up. Was it simply the result of equal opportunity? As the role of man and women becomes transversal, apparently so does unflattering characteristics and faults once associated more with the man. Cheating is no longer a male offence, or primarily initiated by a sexually aggressive male.
The opportunity factor is also fueled by the inundation of internet affairs. So now you don’t even need to leave your home to be introduced to the ‘opportunity’, it comes to you. Working husband, working wife or stay at home spouse, opportunity is there equally for all. Whether you solicit it or not the enticing ads, and reconnecting web sites are right at your finger tips. Further mottling the line of what is cheating, and what is appropriate married behavior.
But I will close with a guide line I use in my house for many infractions. This works for many bad choices… swearing, hitting, name-calling, etc. However it would defiantly work for moral infractions, such as cheating or pornography use if they ever arise. It comes into play when the response is “I didn’t think you would mind” or “I didn’t know it was wrong”. It simply asks the question, “Would you have done it, if I was standing right there?” If the answer is ‘no’, then the difference between right and wrong is evident. If you wouldn’t do it in front of me, then you probably shouldn’t be doing it at all. It is a self check, and also an admittance of guilt and wrong doing.
Hope this helps?
I agree, but after reading a lesson in a church magazine this week, I think cheating may also be defined as anything between two people that weakens or could weaken his/her or both of their families.
I know of a man who had an affair that ultimately led to divorce. I don't think it was the ultimate act that constituted the affair; it was all of the small decisions along the way, so that by the time the actual act was committed, it was only another small decision.
When I was younger, I think I would have considered someone who was supposed to be in an exclusive relationship with someone to be cheating if he dated another person. Now, I would just say he/she probably isn't a very courageous person so he/she is scared to be "up-front" about it.
Although I don't consider it cheating, I would be concerned about someone who isn't very courageous as a person who lacks courage often isn't mature enough to be in an exclusive relationship. Perhaps that might change, but I wouldn't want to bet a marriage on it. There is an old saying I believe, "When people show you who they are, believe them."
I think the question is tricky because “cheating” can be interpreted in so many ways. To me it implies a physical act of some sort, anything from flirting to fornicating, but damage may have been done long before that. And I think one can be untrue without doing anything that could be called cheating.
Being untrue begins in the heart. If a person feels weird or guilty about his feelings for someone, if he would want to keep those feelings secret from his spouse, then he is probably being untrue.
One might ask oneself questions like these: What is the appeal of the relationship for me? Is the time and energy spent on the other person undermining my relationship with my spouse? Are my natural affections being alienated? Would I want my spouse to behave the way I am behaving with this other person? Am I trying to fill a void in my life? Do I long for the other person?
as far as whether or not you should be phoning, texting, or hanging out with a friend of the opposite sex while you are married... in my opinion, you should not be hanging out without spouses present. as far as texting or phoning, i guess it would depend on the purpose for the call or the text, but definitely not on a regular basis.
before i ever got married, i thought for sure it would be harmless to keep up my friendships with the guys i used to hang out with after i got married... but once i got married, it just didn't feel right to me... unless they were married and we could hang out as couples. it had NOTHING to do with the fact that i didn't trust myself or my husband... it just had to do with BEING CAREFUL and CAUTIOUS. no one knows with 100% certainty that nothing would ever happen. i can say that i know i would never cheat, but i will also never find that out because i will never put myself in situations where it would be possible.
i know too many people PERSONALLY who let themselves continue friendships or develop new ones with members of the opposite sex and then ... all of a sudden ... after what seemed like harmless chit chat, then harmless flirting, then harmless calls, then harmless lunches... then all of a sudden they were in way deeper than they had planned on. and not only had they been having an emotional affair (cheating) along the way, but then they did the physical act that they could never take back... (cheating).
it is not about distrusting yourself of your spouse... it is all about being careful and not letting your affections and / or your time be divided into areas where they shouldn't be.
p.s. most of the people i know personally who have had affairs have been with people they met at work. it is a dangerous place to let your guard down.
those are some of my thoughts.
I found myself SOOO agreeing with KAREN. Loved her insight and agreed with her comment.
I'm so looking forward to reading more of your blog!
You were always the beautiful older sister...I thought you were SO cool. ALways admired you, and can tell, by what I've read, I still look up to you.
Cheating could be simply a fantasy created with someone other than your spouse/mate. It could be a flirtation with unstated implications. Of course, the utmost form is physical cheating and infidelity.
My motto is "If you can't tell your spouse what's in your mind and heart, if it makes you feel guilty or your spouse jealous, it probably doesn't need to be thought, let alone acted upon".