Halloween Makes Me Witchy--Eight Things I Hate About Halloween

First, let me apologize. I know many of you love Halloween. To you it's fun. You like the candy, the creativity, the scariness. I just don't share your enthusiasm. Of every holiday known to man, Halloween is at the bottom of my list of favorites. I'd rather celebrate Panama's Colon Day, even though I don't know what that is and the word Colon is scarier than anything Halloween has to offer.

So don't hate me for hating Halloween. If you love it, let's just agree to disagree.

But here's why I hate it.

1. I don't think we need a holiday whose primary purpose is to fill our children (and ourselves) with cheap candy. No one gives out See's for Halloween.

2. I hate gore. I hate the fake wounds, the blood, the weapons protruding from bodies. Yuck.

3. I hate the whole idea of sending my kids out threatening their neighbors. Essentially, they're saying "Give me a treat or I'm going to play a trick on you." When we were first married, we gave out the treats and still had the trick played on us when  a tacky yard statue was stolen from our front yard. (I wasn't sorry to have it gone. I didn't like it at all. But it's the principle, right?)

4. Halloween is just an excuse for moviemakers to make disgusting, gory, stupid movies that revolve around promiscuous teenagers that scream a lot, then walk toward the danger instead of running away like a person with a brain would, and horrible villains that keep coming back even though they should be dead. They just won't die. Ever. So you never know when the stupid, storyless movie will actually end.

5. Halloween is an excuse for women to dress like sluts. Naughty nurses, trampy flight attendants, medieval wenches, cleavage-bearing cowgirls, and more. Just browse women's costumes online and you can practically see a p0rn show. Actually, please don't browse them. And steer clear of most adult Halloween parties so  you can keep your mind out of the gutter.

6. While I'm on the subject of costumes, let me tell you how much I hate having to come up with costumes for my kids. It's always an issue. It has to be clever, humorous, fun to wear, safe, something their friends will think is cool, and cheap. Is there a costume out there that meets all these requirements? I don't think so. And yet,  every year I'm supposed to perform this miracle.

7. I don't like people's irrational attachment to the holiday. Here's what I mean. Three years ago we were in total chaos. We were trying to sell two houses, we were finishing the house we'd just purchased, we were living on the floor of my sister's house, trying to keep kids caught up in school without the internet or a computer and printer. It was a trying time.

We didn't want to deal with the hassle of Halloween, so we offered our kids $20.00 to skip the holiday altogether. They accepted so on Halloween night, some of us spent the evening at Ikea buying sinks and fixtures and the rest of the family stayed at the house, doing construction cleanup. My husband took my eight-year-old son (who was $20.00 richer than he'd been the day before) to the gas station. He took Joe in with him to buy a candy bar.

As they waited in line, a woman behind them said, "You'd get a lot more candy than that if you went trick or treating tonight." My eight-year-old said, "We're not doing Halloween this year. My parents are paying me $20.00 to skip it."

There was a collective gasp from everyone who had heard, a few people shook their heads and one man said, "That's just not cool at all." What? You'd have thought my son had just said, "My parents tie me to a chair, turn on bright lights and loud music and then shove toothpicks up my fingernails."

Giving your kids $20.00 to skip Halloween is not child abuse!

8. I don't like spook houses/spook alleys or anything like them. They're silly at best and traumatic at worst. When Savannah was nine, we were walking by a spook alley at Lagoon when a man with a pig face and chains hanging off him came up to her in a crouched position, made ugly grunting noises and then turned on a chainsaw practically in her face. We hadn't even gone into the actual spook house. We were just walking by it. She was terrified and started screaming and crying. I took her over to a bench and sat down holding her while she clung to me, inconsolable. At that point, the man, who wasn't really a pig, felt terrible. He turned off the chainsaw and followed us to the bench where he leaned over us, still in the pig face with chains hanging off him. He said, "Don't be scared. I'm not really a pig. I won't hurt you."

It didn't work and I finally had to order the pig/man to leave.

There you have it. That's why I feel the way I do about Halloween. I'll still try to find something for my kids to wear (the ones who still want to dress up) and I'll still give out candy at the front door with a smile.

But inside, I'll be counting the minutes until October 31 is over and November has arrived--the month of wedding anniversaries and Thanksgiving.

I love November.

Pin It


E.R. King said...

I dislike Halloween, too. When I was younger where we were living was having a lot of problems with people poisoning candy. My mom thought it was ludicrous to take her kids out to beg for candy then have to go through it to throw some out. She also felt it was rude for strangers to inspect her own candy, as if she's one of the psychos poisoning children. So, she decided to do a fun family night instead. Even now I do what we did when I was a child with my own family: pizza, movies, lights down low, and my own bag of candy that I didn't need to go from door to door for or share with anyone else. I don't like my children being scared, nor do I find it fun to scare other kids. I'd skip the whole day if I could. Bring on Christmas!

missy said...

I laughed through this, starting with Panama's Colon day (sounds like a great cause for celebration to me). Halloween is not my favorite either. I have a few Halloween decorations, but they fit in a shoe box and this year we never even bothered looking for the box. Too bad you can't come hang out here for the evening. I think we've only had about 4 trick-or-treaters in the 11 years we've lived here. (I don't live in the greatest part of town...) It's almost over. Hang in there!

Tawnie said...

Haha. I like this post. I have never put so much thought into Halloween. Just find something to dress up the kids, trick or treat around the block, and call it good. I think it's fun to see all the neighbor kids dressed up and I love when my kids come home, dump out their candy, put everything in a pile that they don't want and we put it in the bucket to keep giving out to all the people who stay out past 7. Ha. We're boring. But I don't think my kids know that yet.
But when you mention the rest of it....I agree. I hate the blood and gore and sluttiness and candy. I especially can't stand the parents who think their kids need to have more candy than anyone and find pride in it and drive them all over the place to collect as much as possible. October always seems to last forever and I am always so glad when it is over. Especially because like you said...November. Beautiful and lovely. And December....even better. Especially when all the shopping is done before December starts.
Sorry I'm so long winded on this. My mom has always had a 'Halloween dinner'. For years I thought it was because she liked Halloween. Turns out she does it because she's always hated halloween so she wanted to make something good out of it for our family. (and we don't even dress up. we play bingo and eat a cute themed dinner) Kind of cute and our kids look forward to that more than halloween itself.

Mindy said...

I agree with every one of your points. Although you didn't bring up the lame trunk or treats that are a haven for people you don't even know, who are adults and maybe have a 3 month old baby to bring around with them, to come take candy from you without passing out any of their own. And you can't say anything negative because it's all in the name of "fellowshipping". We went through a haunted house at lagoon once. It was pitch blackness for the whole first half of it... nothing else. I clung to my kids. What if we had gotten separated? There was no way to see anything at all. The second half wasn't any better. Gore and people invading my personal space.

Yeah, pretty much hate it all.

Kristi said...

Ha! The story of Joe at the gas station is funny. During Christmas we have had similar situations when complete strangers ask them what Santa is bringing them. My kids didn't respond. I know that if they had said that we don't really do the Santa thing we would have been treated like monsters. I think Halloween is fun, but I don't partake in the scary, gorry, creepy, horribleness of Halloween, just the fun, happy costumes, and yes, cheap candy.

williamswildbunch said...

I am so with you on this one. I think we should just spend the $$ on more harvest decorations because I do love to celebrate Fall and harvest. Let's just start having Harvest parties and forget about the whole goriness of it all. I also think we should save our $$ and just buy ourselves some Sees candy.

brooke said...

Amen sister. Halloween is such a high maintenance holiday. I hate the bloody body parts and ickiness as well. But most of all, I hate the slutty adult costumes..

Well said!

Bzybee said...

Totally agree. Dislike it and always happy for it to end.

Leslie said...

halloween is lame.

the only point that you didn't hit that i would have mentioned is this:

what is the point of celebrating a holiday that is in celebration of evil? i hate it.
that is why i will always insist on aaron jr dressing up in something happy or, at least, something normal. he will never be allowed to dress in something evil or scary.

plus, there seems to be more halloween parties nowadays than there are Christmas parties in december. what?!?!?!?!?! LAME!

i am ALWAYS glad when it is over.

Edonna said...

Late to the party (never got back to grading)-I got rid of any decoration that wasn't harvest related. No kids at home. But I did go out this year with my friend's kids. Ben was teaching her how to change oil. So I got the duties. And Stephen was chewing a now and later and lost a molar!! I didn't even get to put on my bustle skirt (steam punk) until my b-day party (in Nov) because I got myself in a fender bender and missed the ward Trunk or Treat. And skipped school Mon. Heard the principal banned costumes anyways. My sister says every day is costume day, so I'll strap it on soon.
But LOVE LOVE LOVE Thanksgiving-New Year!