Today I Can't Fake It

I'm having trouble writing a new blog posting. I'm not inspired. I don't feel profound or wise. I haven't embarrassed myself (I don't think) and nothing particularly funny has happened.

I have some books I could review but I don't feel like it.

Luckily I've had and will have a few pre-written posts that will go up.

I really dislike (hate is a strong word) blogs that are so perfect that they're obviously not based on a reality I can relate to. I know those women must have bad days. They must fight with their husbands or have kids that forget their homework or don't want to go to school. They must have messy bathrooms. But they don't show us. They just show us the photoshopped, well-groomed, spotless pictures of magazine staged rooms and beautiful people.

I swore I wouldn't be one of them and I've tried to be real. I've told embarrassing stories about myself. I've shared some of my disappointments and I even posted a picture of my stitches when I split my eyebrow open.

But the last week or two I haven't been able to do it. Life has felt hard and I've wanted to share the hard, you know, so we can commiserate when life is hard for you, too. But I've been stuck.

I've written posts ranting about the politics (and poor sportsmanship) of 6th grade basketball. I've written about my frustrations with legaleze. I've written about my disappointment at delayed mission calls. I've thought about writing about family dynamics, asking for advice for kids who don't like school or bedrooms that don't get cleaned. I almost wrote about watching my son get a nerve block in his neck prior to surgery that took everything in me not to throw up on his bed and make him more nervous than he already was.

And my head and my draft box just sit full of these things but I either don't feel like writing them or I can't bring myself to push the publish button.

Maybe it's because I don't want to complain. Maybe it's because I'm feeling mountains of insecurities and I don't want any of you to roll your eyes and mumble to yourselves that I don't know how good I've got it. Maybe it's because I know that no matter how I'm feeling, I know someone has it worse.

I don't know. I just know I've hit a wall. Maybe I need a vacation. Maybe I need to learn to feel as comfortable fictionalizing my life so everything looks good from the outside.

Or maybe I just need to go clean my bathrooms. Or cry. Or cry while I clean my bathrooms.

7 comments:

Mindy said...

Spring. You need spring. :)

Tawnie said...

you need a vacation. so do I. and so does everyone else. do you have a mission call coming today? fingers crossed!

Tawnie said...

by the way....it's the full moon. I'm pretty sure. :)
My kids won't go to bed at night this week and I am moody and ornery. Really moody and ornery. I snap at nothing and everything. It's dumb. I'm blaming it on the full moon.
A friend of mine subbed for the kindergarten class for a little over a week. She told me Monday that she has heard that a full moon does something to us and she believes it because suddenly all of the kids were demons and it got really hard. She blamed it on the moon. I believe it. I believe the whole universe and everything in it cycles. Just like us women. And this cycle affects our moods and everything else. Have I gone on long enough? And do I even make any sense? I wish you the best. Cry. You'll feel better.

Loma Ling said...

I love the fact that you are real!! I appreciate that you are relatable and that allows me to realize that I am not the only one that doesn't have the perfect life. I am sorry that the wall is so close that you can touch it. I think it is time to do some new construction and move the wall. Expand the space and allow yourself some breathing room. Allow yourself to have a bad day or two and let the tears fall like rain. Remember the rainbow comes after the rain showers. You are awesome! Your books are awesome! Your kids are awesome!

missy said...

I'm with Mindy. You need Spring. But good news - March is only 2 sleeps away! February makes me grumpy and sad and mad and lonely. There is something about February that is mean and very, very long! Good news, Spring comes in March. Yippee!!

Sorry you're in a funk. I hope things start looking up soon. I know I've said it before - more than once - but I wish we were neighbors. I'd bring you chocolate. :) Or marzipan.

Anonymous said...

So sorry you are feeling so down. When you hurt, I hurt! *"Some days are diamonds some days are stones.
Sometimes the hard times won't leave me alone." You are strong and you can do hard things.Prayer is the key. Love you and you are in my prayers. LMH

*John Denver song quote.

Cathy said...

I know what you mean, I've been feeling the same way. I bawled while vacuuming the other day. Doesn't work so well when you can't see!